Social media platforms are the same concept, but the execution and formatting are miles apart. That slight distinction attracts certain users, which gives the platforms their own personalities.

You know what else is the same concept but have different personalities? Movie villains.

They kill as many as they can, but how they get it done are miles apart, just like social media platforms.

So we asked which social platform and movie monster has the same personality?

Honorable Mention: WebMD – Hannibal Lecter

hannibal lecter drinking fine wine

Diagnosis: No liver.

WebMD isn’t a social network, but it’s still a prominent site on the Internet. WebMD has information on diseases, infections and general health. The most popular feature of the site is the symptom checker.

The checker scans its massive disease database for matches. We entered headache and fatigue into the symptom checker. (The headache is from drinking and the fatigue is from staying up all night drinking.) WebMD returned diseases ranging from fibromyalgia and diabetes (Type 2) to carbon monoxide poisoning and cat scratch fever.

This unfettered access to lists of diseases and syndromes isn’t good for users. Even WebMD says the Internet is making it easier to be a hypochondriac. This resource, while positive, has a negative effect on users, Making WebMD a digital Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

In Red Dragon (2002), the FBI contracts Lecter’s services to help agent Will Graham catch serial killers. The relationship is helpful in the beginning, like the first interactions with WebMD.

But frequent use increases the chance for serious side effects. With WebMD, it’s making a generation of digital hypochondriacs. For Dr. Lecter, it’s murder.

Need proof? Just watch the opening scene of Red Dragon.

Graham (Ed Norton) visits Lecter’s office to talk about a case they’ve been working on. In the scene, Graham goes over the details of the murders. The killer is smart, has extensive knowledge of the human body and is handy with a knife. Graham picks up an anatomy book with recipes scribbled in the margins. That’s when Graham figures out Hannibal is the killer and has his spleen tickled with a knife.

Although he was a mad man, the FBI still used Lecter as a resource in Silence of the Lambs,, but one that should be used sparingly. WebMD should be used the same way, although they haven’t fed anyone their own brain.

5. Tinder – Leatherface

Tinder is unlike other network on this list. It’s mobile only and has only one purpose: to get you laid.

leatherface has gender identity issues

Stop it. I’m blushing.

Users see other local profiles looking for a hookup. If someone swipes left, there’s no connection. If both users swipe right, then they can email each other and see if they click.

It’s so popular, the app’s founders estimated there were more than 600 million swipes per day. It’s a digital meat market.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s Leatherface loves a meat market. Seriously. He wears a butchers apron and has meat hooks in his house in case someone wants to, you know, “hang out.”

Like Tinder users, Leatherface wants to put his best face forward. (I think he has about seven.) Sure, they’re made from other people’s skin, and his hair is out of date, but that’s all he has to work with. His mask options are limited, just like a Tinder user in a small town. Gonna get what he’s gonna get.

And the swiping? Leatherface has that down to an art. In all seven films, Leatherface swipes his chainsaw wildy, wanting to make any kind of connection. Tall or short, blonde or brunette, female or male- it doesn’t matter. Which is why Leatherface is also Grindr, he swipes both ways.

 

4. LinkedIn – Patrick Bateman

patrick bateman

Other LinkedIn Endorsements: Business Cards & 80s Rock

While other platforms showcase all aspects of life, LinkedIn focuses on your professional side. So, which villain has the business mind, self-serving and only showcases one personality?

Patrick Bateman from American Psycho.

Just as a LinkedIn profile, Bateman puts his best foot forward. Yet, his head is filled with a serial-killing persona who fed a kitten to an ATM– something you leave off your resume.

Bateman isn’t a stereotypical horror slasher. But how could anyone forget a naked Wall Street investment banker chasing a woman around an apartment complex with a chainsaw?

LinkedIn has the ability to make people have a bit of a professional complex. Much like narcissistic Bateman maintaining his guppie appearance, when in reality his “mask of sanity” is slipping.

Imagine the thrill Bateman would get each time he got an endorsement notification. Though I doubt LinkedIn has an endorsement for ax-wielding, human dissection or sadism.

3. Instagram – Jason Voorhees

Instagram fuels “selfies,” the narcissistic phenomenon where boys and girls take pictures in their bathroom mirrors.

It’s one big popularity contest, displayed by the number of “Favorites” your photo gets. Throw in some nudity, booze/drugs and a trending #hashtag and you’re in the running to be an Instagram success.

The other social platforms used to play well with Instagram. Facebook, Twitter and Google+ pulled in pictures from your Instagram account. But the other platforms were sick of its shit and let Instagram drown in its own sea of selfies, food and cat photos.

It is because of this, that Instagram is most like Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th.

jason vorhees meme

A public service announcement from Jason Vorhees

Jason was bullied by the campers at Camp Crystal Lake and was left to fend for himself. One night, while the teenage counselors were boozing and hooking up, Jason drowned in Crystal Lake- after the a-hole campers pushed him in. That’s why Jason exacts revenge on punk teenagers “having a good time.”

If a teenager is having sex- they die. If a teenager is drinking or doing drugs- they die. If someone visits Crystal Lake- they die.

The brief flashes of nudity meet Jason’s machete. Like when Instagram users flash some tit they are flagged and their account is taken down. Jason Voorhees will not stand for that nonsense and neither will Instagram.

 

 

2. Pinterest – Buffalo Bill

Pinterest doesn’t escape this list either.

It’s a visual board requires a picture with every post, ideally something visually appealing. When someone likes what you have, they “repin” it to their own profile.

Users are health conscious fashionistas who are handy with needle and thread and looking for something to make in the privacy of their own home.

buffalo bill from silence of the lambs

No, Bill, no we wouldn’t.

Buffalo Bill, from Silence of the Lambs, is the Pinterest of horror flicks. He has an extensive wardrobe of “fashionable” women’s clothing and isn’t afraid to put a little bit of product in his hair.

Buffalo Bill has that all American DIY attitude, a trait shared with Pinterest users. Sure, instead of home decorations, he’s making lady skin suits. But that means he’s handy with a needle and thread. Like any seamstress or tailor, he’d have to have an ample amount of pins for his at home projects.

The women in his world spend a lot of time in one spot as well (way more than 15 minutes). During their stay, they have access to health care products, including various body lotions.

1. Facebook-Freddy Krueger

The world’s largest social network. When Facebook started, it kept the user base limited to college students. Now, all you need is a pulse (not always, though).

As users joined and the network grew, the privacy policy changed many times, exposing more profile information. Even when they don’t change a policy, program glitches share your info. There was a glitch in 2013, exposing more than 6 million user’s information.

Changing policy isn’t the only invasive things Facebook has done. App updates include tapping into cell phone mics and geo-targeting ads for nearby businesses.

Facebook knows where you’re at, what you say, what you like, and your creepy stalking habits. There is only one monster that knows you that well.

freddy kruger

Most likely to poke everyone he meets.

Freddy Krueger from A Nightmare on Elm Street.

He knows when you’re within a certain location (Elm Street). He stalks victims without their knowledge. And just like Facebook, he knows what you do and don’t like. The obsession is so intense, both Facebook and Freddy end up driving teenagers away.

Both are powerful. Both operate in virtual worlds.

Like Freddy, Facebook controls what user see in news feeds or they’ll fill it up with a shit-ton of negative posts. The news feed tweaks have real-world consequences like increasing depression in users.

But Freddy goes beyond controlling what they see or hear, he goes one step above Zuckerberg and has controlled what they can do as well and he’s not above using technology to do it either.

They know what do or don’t you like. They know what you’ve said and who you said it too. They knows your highlights and your creepy habits.

Facebook and Freddy Krueger own you.

 

About the author

"Talks about geek/nerd things, college football, and online marketing. According to my wife, I'm goofy and awkward. I try to wordsmith things."- My Twitter Bio

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